I have an admission to make. My mind drifts during church. Badly.
So yesterday during Sunday school, my brain is just boinging along, as it generally does,
interweaving occasionally with the lesson and then boinging about again. And a
tendril wrapped around something I wrote just almost exactly 20 years ago.
Today I went diving in the Grand Disorganization of All My Writings I’ve Ever Written
(Almost) Pile and came up triumphantly holding the old beat up purple spiral I journaled
in when my marriage fell apart way back then. Yes, gasp away, I've been married twice.
I’m going to publish what I wrote. Apparently, I had a
special place in my heart for the F word back then, so I apologize in advance.
I probably still have a special place in my heart for the F word, now that I
think about it. It’s just a more secret, private place now than it used to be.
My 21 year old self didn’t care - about that, anyway. She had plenty of other
things to worry about at the time.
I will also warn you, it was a
very dark time in my life. I found myself doing something I swore I would never
EVER do – getting divorced - and I hated myself for doing it. I wanted to die at the time. I had even tried to, unsuccessfully (obviously). I was cutting myself. Burning myself. I was questioning what had always been my core belief system, and I was in the
process of rejecting it. But in this exact moment in time, I captured myself
deciding to stand up and fight instead of letting it crush me. I can’t help but
picture the first time I watched Edith pull herself up into the standing
position on the living room window sill. It was a moment of triumph in the
middle of a very dark world.
So I will share, and maybe
later, I’ll tell you more of why I was thinking about this. And maybe I won’t.
June 28, 1996
I exist
“and why” i ask
as i hold a knife
down to my arm
i watch the blood flow to the floor –
i don’t know why i do
this anymore
i rinse myself in the dirty sink
And curse
And
cry
And
sink onto my knees
“Pray, God, let me go
i can’t do this
anymore”
And i can’t do this anymore.
WAIT.
Have I become a victim of this life? If I am, it was my CHOICE. Who is in
control of how I feel? Am I not? And if I’m not, then I have lost, or at least
am losing, this game. I don’t have to sink – I don’t have to let Her (Fate)
have her way. What’s been in my mind? Why have I allowed myself to sink this far?
I am in control. *I* left. I made that decision, for I didn’t know what else to
do. Desperacy – you can’t repent of that. I left. I left. I left. And
that’s all there is to it – if I was wrong, I’ve repented. Why do I insist on
torturing myself when I’ve already been through hell? Was that not enough? It’s
been ENOUGH. I now must turn to analyze my heart and soul – that’s all I can
do. That’s all that’s left. Matthew was right – come to understand my actions
and my feelings. But I needn’t purposely punish myself for these things I don’t
understand – I must learn what they are and try to hold them in my hands. I am
in control. If it hurts, let it hurt – I shouldn’t try to ignore it or intensify it. Just let it hurt – can I
allow myself to do that? Not to tamper with natural feelings? So honestly, how
do I feel without any lies?
I feel angry. I feel guilty. I feel
repentant. I feel free. I feel lonely. I feel confused. I feel sad. I feel ugly
(inside). I feel stupid (for my arm). I’ve felt pitiful. I feel distracted. I
feel frustrated at times. I feel awake. NO more beer. No more knives. No more
blind nights.
And it’s okay
to feel these things. It is all
right. BUT it is okay to feel happy, too, sometimes. It is okay to fly and it’s okay to crash. These things are part of
Life’s recipe. If you leave them out – well, then, where’s the spice? Life will
fall flat in the oven.
Wake up, Ami. Fucking wake up. I will not play the victim. I’ve made choices –
I’ve walked down paths. And here I stand as I am and I cannot regret that. HERE
I AM – THIS IS ME – FUCK YOU ALL – I AM ME. I won’t apologize anymore
for who I am. I stand alone in my own right – maybe that’s what I lost in
marriage. I leaned too far and forgot how to stand up. You shouldn’t do that –
you should grow tall together.
I stand alone and feel the wind blow through
my hair. I hug my arms about myself and close my eyes. I feel beautiful and
strong. I am going to the top of the mountain, where the wind blows the hardest
and where I am the highest. That is my right – that is my desire – that is my choice.
To live, and to live better for my
experiences. To live above them – to know all about them – not to let them sit
as a strange dark mass that crushes my being. I am alive. And free. And there is
NOTHING wrong with that – there is no need to feel guilty for that
I’m done apologizing for who I am – to Mike,
to my friends, to myself, even to my family. There’s no need to – no one wants
to hear it. No one else is sorry that I’m me. Well, at least no one who
matters. They all chose me – chose to love me – it’s not an obligation. And
love me for all of me – they have to – it’s not just my ambition, or my jokes,
or certainly not my money. People aren’t as stupid as I think. They sense me –
my heart and soul. They enjoy me and if they don’t, OH WELL, others will. I
will. I will enjoy myself. I can do that – I can despite everything. I know
myself best and there is plenty to
love.
So……
HERE I STAND.
i exist in my own right.
i need no one else to make me
feel
strong, adequate, beautiful,
happy or alive.
i can feel these things alone,
within myself.
I thought Mike could make me
feel these things and that I could make him feel these things. But we should
have felt these things on our own and then shared them with each other.
***
Editor’s note: I didn’t capitalize the word “I” back then, and I feel
like I should make all the “I’s” into “i’s” for the sake of posterity, but the
struggle with autocorrect is very real and is far greater than my current
abilities or desire. And yes, I have indeed heard of search and replace functions. Thank you.
Not sure I necessarily agree with all of that anymore, but
it’s rich to think about, now, isn’t it?
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