Card Carrying Hypocrite

In the past 30 days I’ve had three separate people throw my Christianity in my face, one multiple times. What do I mean by throw it in my face? Kind of like saying you did this and this and this or you will do this and this followed up by, “And you call yourself a Christian!” All three of my accusers also identify as Christians, I think. It wasn’t those exact words or anything, but definitely along those lines. It bothers me, and I can’t fully put my finger on why, so you know me, it’s been rolling around in my noggin when I have spare time to stew about things.

This morning, on my second trip to church (I accidentally went an hour early on my first trip), I was carrying coffee from the lobby to our Sunday school class, and my noggin was going. I got to thinking how many people say they don’t go to church because it’s full of hypocrites. I’ve always thought that was a just an easy rather lame way out of going – many people who say that have never even really tried church, so it’s a second hand excuse that sounds good more often than not.

But today I realized that if people believe that being a Christian means you’re morally perfect, then yes, church would be full of hypocrites. In fact, it would be 100% full of hypocrites, if perfection was the measuring stick. I profess that I am a Christian – when I say that what I mean is I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and rose again and ascended into heaven. I put my faith in Him for my eternal life.

It does not mean I think I’m better than anyone else – it does not mean I’m morally superior to anyone else on the planet.

It does means I admit I am a sinner. Still. Today. I am a sinner. I am by no means perfect.

Just ask my pastor, he’ll tell you I curse like a sailor. Sometimes I think I should lay off of it, but then out flies another one almost in the next breath. And sometimes it makes me giggle. I drink – and sometimes I get drunk. I am also a single woman: I crave companionship – my biggest prayer to God is for a mate, but as of yet, He has not brought it. Do you know what that means? It means I’m lonely and I’m 41 years old, and my hormones are screaming bloody murder. I have lust for the flesh, and sometimes that causes me to make poor choices. I make mistakes. Know what else? Every time one of my friends posts a picture of their brand new squishy baby on Facebook, I burn with envy and jealousy. It feels like my soul is being ripped apart. I sweetly type something nice and congratulatory, but inside I’m dying. I suffer from depression – I don’t always lay all my cares on Him; I carry them around in this big suitcase I have. I lose my temper sometimes, and I say things I wish I had not said. I harbor malice and hate toward others sometimes, and Jesus said that that’s the same as murder.

Yes, I go to church – it’s my favorite place to be – surrounded by others who are seeking God’s grace. And I pray. And I praise the God I try so hard to serve. I trust in His love and His grace. I trust that His grace is sufficient for me. Does that make me a hypocrite? If it does, I’m guilty as charged. Give me my hypocrite card, please.

Sacred Ground

Today has left me feeling amazing and overwhelmed and grateful and humble all in one great big stroke of genius somehow. I have hesitated to put words to it, because it seems bigger than what words can convey. But I have to try. Because I'm a words person - and the words help me process.

Edith got baptized today. She's had the desire to be baptized for about a year, so it's been a bit in coming. Generally in our church the dad's do the baptizing because they are the spiritual head of the family, but in our case, I am. So about a year ago I asked our pastor if that meant I could baptize her - I fully expected a "no." I told him I'd acquiesce to him if it was not okay. He said he saw no issue with it, but he'd have to run it up the totem pole - and a few months later the verdict came back down: it was a go. My heart soared.

I've had moments since then where I wonder if I'm worthy of the honor- sometimes I feel like I have a huge amount of flex in my spiritual walk. But for the most part, we've both been looking forward to it. We had to skip over the June baptism because she was up in Iowa visiting family (trust me, I strongly considered canceling the trip but decided Corn Country is also good for her soul).

Finally the day came - complete with the pre-service meeting about what was going to happen. And then in the middle of the meeting we got the word that the City closed the river due to all the rain. Baptism postponed. We were both pretty disappointed.

The river flooding wasn't the only hitch in the giddy up - in fact if was probably fairly minor in the grand scheme of things. There's been some intense family differences of opinion going on. Also her best friend's father and I have had a huge disagreement. All this was hanging in the air weeks before - who would come and who would not come? With the closing of the river, everything that was already stressful hovered and lingered. I know a baptism is not all about who comes and who doesn't come, so it would have been amazing no matter what. I get that.

She's old enough - she gets it, too - she understands what broken relationships are. It hurts her heart, but she gets it, even though she didn't cause it or want it.

So today when her Papa and Granny, her Daddy and her Ashley, Ashley's mom her Omi, her Queen Stacie and her Uncle Scott, her three nieces with their own three stories, her best friend and her dad, and her godmother who had been at the coast for her own birthday all managed to make it to her baptism, she got it. She saw it. She recognized it.

The pastor asked, "Before we get to the baptism, did anyone want to say anything else?" Edith raised her little 8 year old hand. I sucked in my breath and held it - oh, dear sweet God, what was she going to say?

She simply said, "I just wanted to thank everyone in my family for coming to my baptism. It really means a lot to me." Most people in the audience probably thought that was just so sweet and standard and maybe even trite, but I knew the truth behind it. She was grateful for reconciliation - for people loving her in the face of adversity - loving her despite divorce, break ups, bitter arguments, and business problems. She was grateful for people laying themselves down. While no one broke bread together, she recognized that she had a real live miracle in front of her - for her.

It made her heart full.

When we got in the water she was nervous and I told her to just forget about all those people and relax. And she did. Baptizing that sweet child was about the most amazing moment I have ever had - it was humbling. I cannot explain it - it was like nothing else existed except us and Them. Time held still - sacred is my very best word.

All of that that happened today was on sacred ground.

I'm just super glad we were both barefooted!