What We Won't Do For A Goat, And Other Matters

So this was the funniest Edith conversation ever, and I probably should not share because my parenting skills will likely get grossly criticized, but it's just too funny, and I can't help myself. So I'm throwing myself under the bus.

Warning: Rated R.

Many of you in my life know that we are reading Genesis at Edith's request. I have never ever considered the Bible to be spicy or naughty, but I swear, it's way better than any Harlequin romance. Ever. Maybe it's exceedingly boring if you read it to yourself - but try reading it to an 8 year old and everything changes.

Also of note is that I answer all of Edith's questions as best I can, in an honest fashion. I want her to see me as THE source of information. She asks a lot of questions - thus, she knows more than your average bear. I have told her if she shares any of this knowledge with any of her friends, her information source will dry up. And amazingly, she's held up her end of the bargain.

Now, back to Genesis. We are somewhere in the middle of the cute story of Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors and his trip to Egypt. There is a chapter referring to his family back home before they move into Joseph's Egyptian adventures. In said chapter I've always blown over, some guy has like 8 or 12 sons. And his first born son marries this chick named Tamar. But the son "did evil in the eyes of the Lord" and God smited him dead. Just like that. Tamar was left a widow, which was not okay in their culture, so the dad goes to his second born and says hey, you are going to have to marry this chick. The second son doesn't want to but he does, and unfortunately he also did evil in the eyes of the Lord. When he lay with her, he purposely spilled his semen on the ground so she would not get pregnant.

Edith: What's semen?

Me: Well..... It's the part of the guy that actually gets the girl pregnant.

Edith: [Silent]

Edith: [Gears turning] 

Me: [I can see it]

Edith: So, it was like a powder back then?

I didn't quite know what to say, I was just trying so hard not to laugh! This child! Back then? As opposed to now? What? A powder?

I stumbled blindly on after mumbling something about liquids and then and now. 

God smited Son Number Two dead too (I know, you're shocked).

So wise old dad sees a trend happening. Instead of marrying her to the third son, he puts Tamar away in some little town, and tells her when the third son comes of age he'll make things right. But he doesn't, and Tamar knows she's been put aside. The dad goes to her little town on a business trip, and Tamar dresses herself up as a prostitute and sits outside of the temple.

Edith: A prostitute is someone who sells sex, right, Mom?

Me: Yes. You are very smart. Now shush.

(She knows this from Les Miserables. Second parent fail).

So the dad falls for the prostitute trick. But he can't pay her because he forgot his wallet or something lame like that. He tells her that he will pay her with a goat (equally lame, in my opinion), but he does not have the goat, and asks her what she would like as collateral. She opts for his insignia ring and staff and he gives it to her. When he gets back home, true to his word, he sends one of his servants back to the town with the goat. The servant looks and looks but can't find the Temple Prostitute. He asks around and the townspeople all say, What Temple Prostitute? We ain't got no Temple Prostitute! So he goes back home with the goat and it's a mystery.

Well, luck of the draw, Tamar got pregnant. When the babies are born (twins, don't you know), the people want to have her killed for being a prostitute. But tricky girl, she holds up the ring and the staff, and says, look what he did to me. He sees how wrong he was and what he made her resort to, and he marries her.

Kind of gross if you ask me. And Edith totally agrees.