Banana Joe's Bar

Sometime this week we were driving from somewhere to somewhere like we always seem to be doing, and an ad came on the radio for child stars. It was a Christian radio station and I wasn't even listening, but according to Edith they were looking for kids ages four and up to try out to be on great shows that premier on Disney and Nick Junior. She starts pleading with me that she really, really, really, really wants to do that. And quite honestly, she would probably be very good at acting. I've considered it on a smaller scale, but it's a huge time commitment. Anyway, she's pleading with me to let her do this, and I look at her and I say, "Edith, I love you more than that." She looked at me like I had a chicken on my head (around our place that is not completely impossible). She asked what I meant by that? I explained to her that those child stars for the most part grow up to be miserable adults. They grow to be spoiled, ungrateful, devoid of morals, and lonely. I told her the best thing that I could hope for for her in life would be that she would grow up with Jesus Christ at the center of her life - then she would be the richest girl she could be. I explained to her that would be the best gift I could give her as a parent. And after it flew out of my mouth, I looked inwardly and wondered just who in the world I have become? That not only did I say that without any forethought, I actually even believe it. Who am I?

A couple of years ago my church put on a women's retreat, like they do every year. It sounded worse than five consecutive root canals to me. You go off for two overnights in the wilderness with about 50 women. No men - pure estrogen. And not even alcohol available to dull the pain! It sounded like sheer hell and I begrudgingly signed up against my better judgement. I was not even close friends with any of these women, and I found myself in a dorm with about seven of this species. I took a top bunk, and pretty much kept to myself. One evening after the service, one of the girls on the lower bunk brought up the fact through some conversation that she wasn't really even sure that she believed all this God stuff…I listed for quite a while as some of the women witnessed to her. Two women in particular I found just amazing. Their faith in God was unshakable, and they both professed it eloquenty. And I knew (and still know) that I will never be that person. What really struck me about them is that they really, really believed it, they were not being hypocrites. You could just tell that Christ was the absolute love of their lives, even though they were both married and had children. Quite honestly, it made me really uncomfortable. I rolled over and went to sleep.

So yesterday when that flew out of my mouth to Edith, I couldn't help but remember those two ladies. And wonder what was becoming of me.

A few hours later Michael Jackson came up in conversation. I assure you, it was completely uncorrelated to the earlier conversation about children stars, unless you believe in divine intervention. But it was not intentional on her or my part. Her dad recently showed her the Thriller video and she was a little traumatized by it. She asked about Michael Jackson and if he was scary. I told her that he was one of the most amazing and talented human beings that we have ever seen - he could dance, he could sing, he could act. He was incredible! He was also very strange. Very, very strange. And then I remembered the child star conversation, and I told her that he had actually been a child star, and even though he had all of that talent and was so famous and had so much money, he grew up empty on the inside, and eventually died from overdosing on drugs. I didn't even know if she would know what that meant, but then she told me that her uncle could have killed himself overdosing on alcohol and then driving. And I said "Exactly."

My Edith, she's pretty smart.

Truth

Let's just throw this God crap out.
That's is not what I am about.

Let's be real and examine what's true
Instead of what people created to soothe
Their minds and their fears of what's real.
What truly matters in the grand scheme of things?
Without fairies or poppets or any of those things?

I dug to the very core of my own being
For the first time, without blinders,
I was actually SEEING.
I asked if I could have this or have that,
Which would I choose? Which can't be moved?
If I had to choose between one ideal or another, which would it be?
And the thing that I always chose was my Integrity.
*That* was the thing that I would be.
But then I broke it down further
To its most basic form:
And truth as my core value was perfectly born.

Truth I already had! Lying within me.
All I had to do was to choose it, to proclaim it, and that perfectly.
I fortified my self with it - it became my being
Because truth, when 100%, cannot be deceiving.
All would know me, Ami, as truthful and pure.
I had it. I'd solved it. Alone. And SO sure.

The truth I told, even when it pained me
Even if it cost me, it truly became me.

And it all worked out great
Until that day came about
That no one believed me.
I was incredulous. Floored.
How I did cry and indignantly shout!
How could this be?
I spoke the TRUTH. ALWAYS!
How could they not see that?
My world turned sickeningly sideways.
My anger dumped colors
On my own tapestry.
How can I portray to you my complete misery?
I told them and told them,
But they would not believe.

My Truth .... Was garbage
My values ... My reason ....
All wrong? Was it possible?
Can an ideal be guilty of treason?
How could it be so easily defied?
How could they simply cast my truth aside?
In those moments a huge part
Of me completely died.
I lost faith in mankind, in my own sense of worth.
I circled, and stumbled, and fell to the earth.

I've come to realize, after years of soul searching,
That I was so close, yet I was missing completely.
The Truth *did* in fact, lie within me,
But I didn't create it or make it or earn it.
I didn't even have to go prove it.
Funny enough, it was not up to me at all to do it.
Truth is, I was the one who had silenced His voice.
I had shut him down and taken over my soul as my own, by my very own choice.
Yet He is the way, the truth AND the life.
Not me, independently, in my own right.

And finally the Truth, He did set me free.
And rightfully took His seat at the pinnacle of me.