Sometimes my phone rings and it isn’t you.
You didn’t call again today.
For a few moments, it hurt more than it hurt in the moment just before;
I didn’t know that was possible.
I saw you recently.
Your eyes looked through me like I either wasn’t there, or like I was too there.
One of those.
I didn’t know what to do
So I didn’t do anything
My eyes hit the floor and my entire being felt uncomfortable.
Even with the benefit of hindsight now
It isn’t any clearer, what I should have done
I thought our love was deeper than this insurmountable abyss.
I thought it was stronger than an apology or the lack of one.
While we never said vows, they were written on my heart.
My love is not something I can simply erase.
Even anger and betrayal don’t mask it for very long.
So it mostly just sits, and waits.
Pathetic, I suppose. A pathetic picture I’ve written in prose.
I recently looked at pictures of the wedding.
Everything was picture perfect.
That day.
Your shockingly wonderful laugh. Your victory.
You remind me of a string conductor in an orchestra.
Your part in my play.
My little opera.
Or my B rated Lifetime Television movie.
It seems you loved me when I was whole,
But not when I was broken.
I think, in ways, I’m more beautiful broken.
Honestly.
But not to you.
Maybe you think me useless.
Perhaps I make you uncomfortable.
I may have struck an old chord.
I don’t know.
Ugly things have twisted around us.
What started as mere wisps of an ominous song has now grown bark and choked everything out.
The music is gone.
The garden is dead.
We’re different now.
It’s over.
I know.
I considered trying to edit you out of the photo album.
It isn’t possible.
Even if I removed every picture.
Often I look at pictures (not just these)
And I see the things that are not there more than the things that are.
Like that seemingly perfect picture of me holding the baby on a sunny summer day.
I was hungover and heartbroken that day.
My skin was clammy.
The sun was hot.
I didn’t want to go home. I knew I had to.
Yes, you’d still be there.
Even if you weren’t there.
I miss you, anyway.
And I pray for you.
Every day.
I’ll keep trying to say goodbye.
Until one day,
When it will finally be
The Last Time.
