A couple of years ago during one of his sermons, my pastor talked about walking along the precipice of morality. It wasn't what the entire sermon was about, but I remember him describing walking along the edge of a cliff of what is right or holy, as close to the edge as you can get with still being right, dipping a toe over the edge and hanging it out there, claiming to still be righteous. I can picture myself even sitting on the edge, dangling my feet over the edge and swinging them. At the time, the description rang very true for me in many areas of my life, and I suppose it still very much applies today. I have surrendered areas of my life to Christ, but I definitely try to walk the tight rope and push it to the very limits. And sometimes I fall off the ledge. Yes, I crawl back up, and then I keep walking along it some more.
In God's design, God is the head, and then Christ acts on our behalf, and then it goes to man, and within a marriage or even within the church, then it goes to the woman. That's the structure he set up, the hierarchy, women libbers be damned.
When I was going through my divorce, and turning towards God, part of that was listening to K Love Radio. And one of the songs that was very popular back then was called Lead Me. It really struck a chord with me. The song talks about how a wife and children need a man to be the leader. And the man needs God to be his leadekr. It's states that we cry out for that. I realized that was something that was completely lacking in my marriage. My husband was not a spiritual leader in any way, and he wasn't really a leader in any other way either. It made my heart ache in a sweet, longing way to think of a man that would love me well enough to lead to me. I decided that is what I wanted. The problem is, that's pretty hard to find. Men these days aren't much into the business of leading, especially not spiritually. I could get into a long lengthy discussion of why I think that might be, and it probably started back in 1920 and evolved from there, but we are not going to delve into that on this.
In a man's (husband's) absence, I believe that I am the leader of my family. So I lead Edith. And Christ acts in the husband's role, leading me. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for He is with me, His Rod and His staff, they comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He anoints my head with oil. My cup floweth over. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Recently, I have been dating a very, very good man. But he is not in the lead, and he's not going to take the lead from what I can see. I tried to convince myself that that might be okay, but it isn't. Because then what happens is I am in the lead, and now not only am I leading Edith, but I'm leading someone else. And my natural tendency, as I stated before, is to walk along the precipice. So I'm leading them both along that precipice! Now it's not just me that could fall over the edge of the cliff, I've got two others in tow. The thought sends chills up my spine. And down my arms. And to my heart.
If I were to let him lead, and I follow, it doesn't appear that we are going to a firm destination. In fact, it doesn't appear that we are going anywhere. Except where we already are. You can't follow someone who isn't going anywhere. That seems mean and awful to say, and it isn't said out of spite, it's just how it is.
I also have come to realize in this that I have not been letting Christ lead. I've been trying to lead. I think if I were to let Him lead, He wouldn't be walking in the same areas I've been walking in. To me, abiding would mean that you're in the center of something. Enveloped by something. There's no edges in that.
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